Give us your rare earth minerals, or enjoy the warm embrace of Mother Russia. Truly heartwarming. Nothing screams “leader of the free world” like shaking down an ally mid-war and then throwing a tantrum when they don’t grovel fast enough. Diplomacy? Nah. This is hostage negotiations with extra capitalism. Bravo

Zelensky is now stuck in the world’s worst reality show where he has to choose between negotiating with Putin (a man who literally wants him erased) or appeasing Trump, who treats Ukraine like a failing franchise of the U.S. military-industrial complex. Tough gig. Maybe next season, he’ll get a contestant who actually believes in democracy instead of a transactional landlord demanding rent in lithium.

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